I raised my kids and lived my life very much in the community. As part of that, I took them to church. It was a cultural instinct and largely a really good one for us. I wanted them to learn the things I learned in church, especially about the love of God. From this perspective, and I believe it, He is the creator of everything, and he loves people more than anything, ALL of us included. I hoped that my kids would “know that that they know that they know” how much God loves them, and that this alone would give them the significance we all seek, especially on the inside and especially in times of trouble. Unfortunately, my actions at home and in our daily lives taught them something very different. In all honesty, I pushed myself and my children to compete for everything there was in the world. There was nothing we couldn’t accomplish if we set our minds to it. The tangible message delivered through my behavior was about working hard to achieve things, becoming really good at stuff, and winning. Winning, whether at work or through watching them succeed, after all is said and done, made me feel significant, for about a minute. Outside of church I set us on a lifelong quest to get more of everything: more wins, more stars, more A’s, more likes, more money, more significance. At this moment, as I have temporarily put aside the routines that made me feel important, I wish I knew how to live as if the truth about love, God’s love, was enough. It is truly a necessary and sufficient equation: God loves me and I am therefore now and forever – awesome, win or lose. These thoughts have been on my mind, my own hypocrisy haunting me as I have had to step away from rushing everywhere while I experience a global pandemic “sheltering in place”. I honestly enjoy competing, its fun and it must also be a cultural instinct. But fun and significant are surely different. In these somewhat lonely days, I have come to appreciate my significance and its source and I regret in some ways, my intense resolve to pile up wins. It’s not a lasting source of well-being. The other cool thing about it, God’s love, is that it compels me to love people. I don’t know how, it just does. You are significant to me…no joke.
My dear friend,
I don’t think that “winning” was always your motivation. You are just DRIVEN! And, you pushing your children was survival training!
They are well rounded, successful and kind human beings….you did your job, girl! All, while having a relationship with God….now that is something! God doesn’t seem to be convenient anymore. It’s too much trouble to get up and go to church because everyone works like crazy. But, you did it! And now when you , me and your kids need him most, THE DOCTOR IS IN! You see, it’s not bad to be driven, as long as you don’t lose sight of His love and guidance. And, my dearest friend, you have never strayed. ✌️